1. Stress out about everything.
If you want to feel miserable, I encourage you to begin by stressing out everything that is beyond your control. Long line at the grocery store? Argh! Stuck in a traffic jam on the way to work? Buh! Step in dog poop? Crap! (hee hee, see what I did there?) Cruddy cell-phone signal and unable to check your Facebook for a whole 5 minutes? Drats! Agonizing about minor inconveniences always makes you feel better, right?
2. Pass the buck.
You would LOVE to pursue a new hobby or interest, but you’re just too stressed out. You can’t lose weight, because your metabolism is too slow (or you have “bad genes”). You can’t find the time to exercise, because you’re WAY too busy (playing Candy Crush). The more excuses you make (and the more public you make them), the better you will feel about yourself. Your friends would never think you are a self-loathing eternal complainer who can’t accept responsibility for anything.
3. Blindly follow conventional wisdom.
If everyone else is doing it, obviously it must be the only way to do things, so you might as well follow the other sheep off a cliff. Besides, being different is way too difficult and if you try something original or innovative that is more true to your authentic self, people might look at you funny.
4. Hang out with negative people.
Hey, they are charismatic and funny! Never mind the fact that they complain about everything, make fun of people, and are toxic influences on your life. Their life is so difficult that they have every right to feel the way they do. What would they do without you? And besides, finding more positive people to hang out with would be too inconvenient.
5. Live in the past.
Never mind the fact that every new day is another opportunity to improve your situation in life. If you want to feel miserable, your best bet is to obsess with past mistakes even though you can’t do anything about it now. Dropping your baggage would allow you to move on with your life, but that would require developing the inner-strength you need to forgive yourself, and who has the time or energy for that?
6. Never confront problems in your relationships.
Even though your romantic partner keeps asking you what’s wrong, it’s much easier to dodge the issue. What could possibly go wrong? It’s not like you could risk turning an uncomfortable (but brief) argument into a trust-damaging (and long-lasting) squabble or anything.
7. Throw in the towel.
You worked out for a whole two weeks and didn’t lose a single pound. Of course, you didn’t even bother including healthier natural foods in your meal plan in place of all that processed junk you’re eating, but who cares about details? Clearly you have put a lot of thought and dedication into this, so this exercise thing must not be for you. Oh, well. Might as well go home and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, because that definitely won’t make you feel miserable about yourself.
